Clouds and fears


Dear Diary,

I feel much better… Much better. I had physio three times in the past two weeks. Finally I can move my hand and finally I can start writing. There is a lot that happened in the last few weeks…

I got very bad flair up of tennis elbow. Too much work. When I went to physiotherapist he said to me that I neglect my body! He was so hard on me but I know that he was so right!

Why do I do that to myself?? Good question?! Well, I was told that pain is addictive…So I guess that someone suggested that I do like what I’m doing!! Hmm… Not sure what I think… But one way pain was always part of my whole life. So, yes I think that I don’t want to let it go. I know I have to do and I do but not for 100%!!

I watched “Inside out” this is lovely animation about how our brain works. Great for me to try to connect my body with my brain.That’s what I was told to do hahaha. My physio gave me lots of exercises… One of them is to sit on the ball and try to get balance. Sound easy but it’s not. Not when you only starting. I’ll get there.

In the morning going to hospital for some blood tests, then I have to work for all afternoon. I’m sure my hand will be feeling good after few days off. I’m glad that I’m able to move my arm and can work, I missed it.
By the way, me and May had hard time. May finished his pills and he finds it hard to live without them. He is nervoυs and irritated. Every single thing sound like big thing for him.Things are so bad because I don’t have a patience these day’s due to my sore hand so there is really exploding air.

I send him email few days ago as that way will be better.He would read and not focus on tone of voice as he say that I’m picking on him where that’s him that raise his voice. I’m well used to it! But I’m getting too old for all this nonsens. I want happy life. I know sound not realistic but it is. I don’t want too much… Just respect, feeling loved and a bit of fun and romance.None of that is in present and I wonder do I ask for that much.

I’m stressing over that because I’m getting older and most of my life was full of worries, stress and nothing else.
I start family life at very young  age and now it gets me.
I would love to do exciting and exploring things. Well, sound like I would have to change lots in life to be able to do it!! Doesn’t look like me and May have same intrest and point of view. For him work, TV and running is top of the list.
We had great time for a while but now  we back to square one.
I’m wondering how to work out this whole situation. Every time we have episodes like that I’m getting more stresed and loosing intrest of him. Also there is no one I could talk to.
My friend in Poland is too busy with her things. She didn’t talk to me for weeks. She may send short “hi” that’s all.She is sucked by her study and work, that’s ok but I have funny feeling that she made others friends and she don’t need me anymore.
I know, then I only speculate but I just say what I feel.
I don’t have have friends here. Well there is few girls! I know a lot of people through work but doesn’t sound like I have real friend. I affraid that they will judge or even feel sorry for me or my family. I don’t want that!! But at the same time I would love to have someone girlfriend to go for a walk with, cinema, shopping or even few drinks of coca cola hahaha. I’m not introvert so what’s wrong with me.
I think I love writing and reading books and they feel safe.. 😊 They won’t judge me 😁 Life is strange!! Life is intresting and surly very unexpected! Life can go any direction… Not always the one we want!!!My weight still not changed. I got little gym at the attic.I used it few times but now can’t do it… my excuse is my hand but hopefully next week will go back to it again. I know my weight isuees are relate to what’s going on at home and in my life. I’m praying for change to come my way. I have change my attitude thouse myself I hope that will help.

Love Kay ❤️ Xx

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