Superpowers

01/06/2018
Dear Diary,

I lost my superpowers… Well… I’m looking deeper for personal strengths I had and developed over the years, skills like problem-solving, communication or creative thinking, and been able to see the bigger picture. I lost sense of myself, the comfort I had with myself,  feeling good in my own skin that was giving me confidence and security.

“According to Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Christopher Peterson, two pioneers of positive psychology, we all possess 24 character strengths to various degrees. These strengths fall into six different categories: wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence.”

So I lost them … Aww… Where are they? No, actually I didn’t loose them,
I just forgot that I have them. I forgot how to be me, how to embrace my courage and confidence and how to live inspiring life full of positive energy.

I wonder how this happened? Excellent question? I don’t know how this happened but for sure I know that I will look for my super powers and I will get them back. I already am by starting back to my writing. I express myself in my very first POST two years ago. Yes it’s two years since. I talk about my childhood and teen life … They were a mess. I was shy, got picked on, bullied but I had confidence and courage to walk away from all this. Yes, I did. I had lots of wisdom and resilience back then.

Then I got married, I tried to fit in and get accepted by the family. I could do the impossible for them, I tried to please them the whole time! How naive was I and still, they never accepted me. This experience was indeed a wake-up call for me. Where is that girl full of confidence and knowing what she wants to do in life, regardless of what people will say… Where is she?
I use to be like that! Hard to believe.
I wasn’t afraid of criticism.
Criticism is a good valuable tool which helped me to learn and grow but I experienced constant criticism and interuption to my family daily life so that had opposite effect to what it should be.

What was said can’t be unsaid but can be discussed and closed. I certainly need closure to be able to move on to new chapters of my life but sound like most humans don’t like to face problems and discussing issues. It’s believed that the best thing is to keep thoughts and feelings inside your head rather than hurting the ones in front of us. Yes, maybe it is for some but don’t we hurt them more by acting out of character, by not talking to them. avoiding them or the worst for me to pretend that all is good and nothing has never happened.

So, be open and find a way to talk to someone you need to have closure with. Talk without blame, tell someone how you feel, say what is on your mind and in your heart and don’t leave anything unsaid but remember – respect their values and beliefs as we’re all very different and very unique!

Now is the time to start pick up again and start new paragraph of life.

A month ago lots happened. I got new edition to the house. Mr Brownie. He is strong, smart, determined and guess what. He is a rabbit. He is an Easter Bunny!  He brought with him lots of new great positive and happy energy. Getting him it was like a 180 degrees turn in my life for me. Big change for us and our dogs and for everyone visiting us… Everyone adores him.
There were a milion thoughts in my head about Mr Brownie… Would he settle, would dogs be good with him, would they hunt him, would he run from them? …. All those and more kept coming up for me!
No need for all this! Dogs acted as if the rabbit was a puppy and rabbit was just himself!
I love him for been himself, such a natural way to be. At times I think that he is a bit cocky by being confident eating from dogs plates but one day I noticed that if they don’t want him to be around or join their food they would bark and let him know. That’s great communication and undestanding of needs. I watch my animals a lot and it gives me great satisfaction to see how they are comfortabe around each other.
This is the way to be.

For the last few months I have been trying to organise myself with no results.
I promise myself I will do it and I end up in back in the same place like before. My super powers were sure not there!

I didn’t say much for last few months. I’m not sure what happend to me. My energy levels have been very low.
Since I came back from Poland I start lots of new things. In Warsaw I went to see Rheumatologist and she told me that I have fibromalagia as I assumed that myself before… my symptoms were obvious. She told me that I need to loose weight so that will help with my condition… I knew that already but how to exercise when your body is in pain.
Well… I said to myself I will try and exercise first and if that won’t work I will take antidepressants. That was the plan.
Me and Jay run and race exploring historical places of Warsaw and popped into the Universities on the way. I was in pain but the joy of doing things that I didn’t do before made my pain fade away. I was also doing things with someone I loved. We had so much laughter that I might have got lots of laughter lines 🤣

We took over night bus to Cracow to visit my mum and from there hopped to another bus for two hours to visit my dearest uncle and his wife.
I was scared going home… I love my mum and I know that sounds crazy but every time I go to mum I really don’t know what to expect… I mentioned more in my very first story back two years ago.
All those strange feelings relate to my childhood and the relationship I had with my mum which comes back but I don’t fully have closure on that field but hope to do one day.
We got there… Sadly house was out of order not like years ago when mum would get up and clean constantly. May and I renewed her house five years ago and now looks like no one looked after it at all! I’m sad! Our hard work wasn’t appreciated. I had to talk myself …. I said that I done my best and that’s all I could do! I helped mum and my brother to live more modern and happier life by redecorating their home.
I was hoping that this gesture would motivate them to take new steps to their happier life!
I’m a dreamer… I should know well that some people have set ways of thinking and they don’t want to change paths… Surely that must be fear. We all have fears and I know all about them but I fight with them and get over them…
In general I don’t let fears  stop me from what I want to achieve! That’s the difference between me and my family. I wish I could do more to help them to walk with me on my path.
Happiness and peace is the path I choose, that path was shown to me when I was little girl. My Gran and uncle showed to me how to be kind, happy and enjoy life with very little expectation. There I got my super powers.
Jay and I went to uncle’s and aunt’s house and I felt I was home. I didn’t have that feeling like I had at mum’s house. I can’t help that feeling. I’m sorry that things are this way but that is the way! I own that, this is my feelings.
I had a fantastic chat with my uncle. He was very ill but he had this big smile on his face and I know now where my smile comes from… I saw this smile everyday when I lived with them so I copied that from him. I love him. I love my aunt too for her patience, kindness, calmness and warmth and thank you for passing all this onto me. Thanks to both of them for all those year I spent with them and when I go this road of thank you I need to say THANK YOU to my Gran for rearing me and giving me the quality’s that I can carry through life and an now able to use them to live and  fulfil my life. I miss you Gran everyday but I know that you’re right beside me for the last 15 year… Your watching me from the heaven.

What a great feeling to be able to feel safe and secure by being surrounded with people we love.
Jay and I had a long trip back home and hope that this time all will go well and smooth.
Since I came back from Poland I came back to reality and began my plan.
I started to exercise like mad. I’m not an early person but I get up in the mornings and go off to my classes. I was very sore before exercise but even worse after it. I started getting dizzy but surely knowing me I ignored that. I kept going with all this and in mean time I got accepted into college so I started attending to it every second weekend. Things have been busy. Exercise, work, college… I like to be busy but I start feeling that this was a bit too much for me. Pain and dizziness started to bother me a lot. I pushed and pushed as I always do.

The college I attended for the last few months has opened my eyes widely. One of the most important things on  my journey with the course was that I had to start personal therapy. I had very mixed feeling about it! I felt like I already had lots of work on myself. I let go of my past and here I am today! I am in the present moment! I have to go back to past.
Thoughts in my head at that very moment when I was told that I have to do therapy… Well… I don’t want to go back where I was… I don’t want to go to those dark and scary places and I don’t want to meet the people I got hurt by.

College became my only interest. I focused all my energy on it. I loved it and I hated it. I know it sounds crazy!
I’m not going to go in to depth but I didn’t click with group I was with and that’s ok.
I was a stranger to them as I joined them in their second year but surely that didn’t stop me from loving learning new things and using one of my super powers in  be individual. Be me! I have never been part of clicks anyways! I like my unique nature.

I was driving up and down to college. My course was an hour away from home. Driving four times at weekend impacted on my back and arm. I was in so much pain. I had to deal with physical pain, dizziness and travel sickness as I thought , as well as mentally hard work in college.
I did it for nearly three months. I was physically and mentally exhausted. I fell of my own bed and I thought I have brain cancer or so… I had massive headache’s, dizziness and sickness all along. At the beginning I believed doctors that all this was in my head … Well,surely I’m not medical doctor so how would I know!
One thing only stop me from believing all this was that I always listen to my body and I knew that all these doctors I went to had listened but didn’t hear me. They went with what is going on in my personal life and didn’t focus on me as a person.
After me falling of the bed I decide to go to another doctor. One very last time and after that I was willing to get assessed by psychiatrist and go with what they had to say. Last few years I question my mental health a hell a lot. Is that the right thing to do? I’m not sure… But I’m aware of my mums condition so I always wanted to make sure that if I became like mum I would get help and be able to get on with my life, not like mum… Poor mum, if she got personal and profesional help not only from GP her life maybe could have be different. I’m not saying that for sure she would and I’m not blaming anyone just expressing my feeling about it.
So off I went to Dublin to see neurologist. I walk into his room and believe me or not I didn’t need to say anything… He asked me was I dizzy… And yes I was. Further conversion went smooth and very clear. He needed clarification so he asked for MRI. I was relieved that he took me seriously without judgment. To make a long story short I had an MRI done and I have massive damage done on my back. That damage was done three years ago in the car accident I was in. I’m waiting for more MRI’s but I’m Positive! I got my life and myself back! That’s all that matters for me. I deferred my college for now. I wasn’t fit to travel and I had to start to look after myself. And yes I did. I took first step and I went to personal therapy. This Lady is the most amazing person I ever met! That is the truth. I really want to say that to her…
Every time I come to you and I leave with a burst of energy. You should bottle it and sell it. You know for sure how to bring someone up the ladder. If I knew that great feeling and I got encouraged more to go to therapy I would be happier and would have been myself sooner but surly it’s better now than never.

So, my super powers are slowly coming back.

I start new course in Dublin. Very intense but not as much travel involved. Only once a month. My first weekend there I spend with Jay, May and dogs. Mr Brownie stayed home.
Content of the lectures was interesting, and reminded me about my values and beliefs and help me to think more about my super powers.

Love Kay ❤️xx