I am me!

Dear Diary,

19/11/2018

“Come and find me when you decide to like yourself.”

I heard that in the cinema last weekend.

This statment said a lot to me!

I put so much pressure of trying loving someone but did I even know if liked truly myself.

Now, this is powerful statment and I am fully aware what it actually means to me.

Self love and self care has to be present in my every day life, in everyday choices from what I decide to eat to what and who I decide to love and surround yourself with.

Loving myself is ongoing process forever. Starting simply by practicing and acting I got to a certain place in my life.

I don’t chase my husband anymore I simply let him go and start living on my own.

Choices I made were sometimes very spontaneous but mainly thoughtful.

Last few months have been hard but amazing. I change my life, my life changed me and for me. I can feel that very strongly.

I love my uniqueness and finally and fully understand that only this week.

I noticed that even little things I may do bring smile on my face. What a great feeling to have. I love my simple madness.

All my life I thought I met right person and I focus on them, to make them happy, to fullfil life with them till I realise that life is not about them but me, it is ok to be selfish this way. I see that my life is turned upside down and in a way I am loving that. There is liveliness in my life.

It’s not the person, its the place I’m in changed that. I look in to the mirror and see beautifully transformed me.

I was working on myself a lot in last few months so I can see where this came from. I seen shine and got really attract by it. I seen myself in “a mirror”. Nothing strange to see yourself in a mirror but this “mirror” is not actally a mirror.

I’m not sure if can explain that, somehow. At times I feel that all this is impossible. It’s things and people that I am meeting. They are like me or I am like them. I have to say I never noticed that before only right now.

Wow… Very new thing to me. Another first time.

I feel like I cut the chains and walk away from the cage where I was for all my life.

I feel a sense of freedom. I’m out… Out of my own cage.

I didn’t want to hurt anyone by making choices and changes I also know that I made right decisions which lead to conversation .

I didn’t know how to have all those difficult talks with my loved ones but I knew that won’t lead up to positive one for now and will meet missunderstanding from them. My intuition was telling me that my family sense and see my happiness and for sure they not join me with it right now and I was dam right in that!

I also know that maybe not now, not in this very moment but with time things will change for the best.

At the minute they look at me as if I committed a crime. I feel a bit of guilt… But that’s OK, I know that is only my past learned patterns and I will fully over come that with time. Practise makes it.

Whole me smile and shining that I make things to work out.

This very new and beautiful feeling. By the way I’m not fake person and I can’t hide anything so I really can’t hide what I feel right now. At times I have fear that is only a dream and I’ll wake up to old me. No, that will not happen! I promise that!

I feel this the way, I am and act that.

I manifest best authentic self through my life right now.

I got myself lost and found few times but that is the best part…I accepted the fact I might not fit it and statment “I am me” finally start serve me fantasticly.

“Sometimes accepting who you truly are means shedding the identity you were assigned at birth to arise anew”

I love that sentence so much that I had to borrow it.

I used to live up to someones expectations all my life, now when I shed all layers and become a new me, I began to move in the direction of my dreams with confidence, authentic and original view on life.

Life is long living process and I love it all. It’s not always happy and flowery can be unexpected, sharp and sad but by puting positivity in to it’s worth of every second of it!

I am sitting in the plane to Cracow, home town, I wish I could say holiday time…

I’m traveling with Jay to see my mum.

There is a lot I want to say right now but words won’t come out. Emotions are all over the place. I’m so sad, mum is very sick. I don’t know anything really as much as she has stage four cancer. Truly, it’s few days since I know and I’m still in shock !

I surly could expect a lot but not that!

I only found my “new” mum, we had great chats and I felt like we bound for first time in my life. That’s life, so unexpected, so crul, so mean! But it is still life!

I’m not sure how she is and what’s the prognosis. One minute I want to know other time I don’t!

I thought that life can’t suprise me nomore so there you go…. I’m glad that I’m stronger now more then ever because in this situation I will need a lot of strenght to be supportive to my mum, brother and sister.

We will have to be kind to eachother. I see how this will work out as we don’t get on that much.

I am going to spend time with mum regardless what come up. I want to pass on to her my love and sunshine of my heart. That’s all I can give her right now. I know that’s mad but I have to accept all that and feel that this way I will be able to have more calmed mind.

Otty and Clara helped me to go through first part and I feel so supported. Now is my time to support my mum.

I have so many thoughts in my mind but I let then in and out. I don’t hold them as much. I am me! I will be authentic and honest to myself. I don’t let my past dictate me what to think or do, I am my old new me now! So, it’s the time to face the harder part in my life… Look after my dieing mum.

I stay positive as always and surly I will piss some people off by being me! Smile will be hard to make it but I will try as much as I can.

Love Kay ❤️ Xx