“Little brother”

12/02/2024

Dear Diary,

I don’t know where to start or what to say! The last 24 hours have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I’ll begin from the beginning – on the 7th of February, it was my little brother’s birthday. He is 35 years old.

I haven’t talked about him much because it’s more complicated than you might think. My brother is my “little” brother, whom I looked after when he was born, even though I wasn’t much older. There’s a ten-year age gap between us.

He has his own history, which I mentioned in my story while back, but it’s a never-ending tale.

Until our mom was alive, he thrived. However, since our mom died, a lot has happened. We lost our home house and everything that came with it. For me, the place itself wasn’t valuable as I didn’t spend much time in the house, but the personal things like pictures, our mom’s belongings, and her clothes had an emotional aspect to me.

He is not a quiet, simple lad. I would say there’s an upside to his quietness.

My brother lost himself to the point that nearly two years after our mom died, and a few days after my last failed IVF treatment with Silver Fox, I received an email with a link to a local newspaper article. Guess who was on the front page? My brother. He got arrested.

What happened to me? I was shocked but not surprised. It wasn’t the first time. It was extremely difficult for me to hear that, but it wasn’t my life. I also had my best friend coming to visit me in the middle of all of this.

I wanted the world to stop and let me off! Like in this song!

So much happened that week in October 2021

I didn’t know how to cope, and I don’t think I coped well.

I put on a brave face and denied it all. Weeks passed by, and I went to Poland hoping to help him, but it didn’t work out. In the meantime, my relationship with Silver Fox went downhill, and by February 2022

I knew it was over. As soon as he got a new job, he focused on that and much more then that. But that’s a story for another time.

I had to deal with a lot of losses, in my opinion.

I continued therapy, which kept me sane and whole.

I was able to function, but not necessarily live my life. It was all about the kids, the loss of IVF, and my “little” brother that I raised. The sense of anger that I had done things wrong was killing me. The shame of not being good enough took all the joy out of my life. I blamed myself for my body’s failure to have kids, and I blamed myself for not raising my brother to be the person I wanted him to be. How wrong I was when I finally realized all of that. It all came down to self-worth that was lost over time.

Then I slowly started rebuilding that self-worth, until I had to deal with the absence of Silver Fox exactly a year after our last IVF treatment when he decided to leave and go. Fair enough, I can say now. At that moment and time, my world fell apart.

Now, as I’m looking from a distance and gaining perspective, I can only say… Thank you for leaving and giving me the sense of grief that I needed to explore and relive.

Thank you for reminding me of who I was and who I became through it all. Life was hard enough that I became homeless, and for a few weeks I was moving around,

I moved in with Jay’s dad, my ex-husband. It was very hard for me because I had moved homes so many times, and I didn’t want to stay too long with anyone so they wouldn’t think I was taking advantage of them.

Finally, I applied for a mortgage and couldn’t wait to hear back. I got it, and I surely thought it would instantly help me. How foolish I was. The process was hard and long, but finally, I collected the keys.

I was happy and thankful, but emotionally and physically drained. A lot happened in between, but you already know that from my previous posts, that renovations gave me difficult time.

Now, let me tell you what happened 24 hours ago.

I felt sick to my stomach, and I ate a lot.

I know this habit very well. It’s one of my old patterns that don’t suit me well. Overeating is one of them. I dealt with that and can recognize it, but at times, it’s hard to sit with it and breathe in and out of it.

I did my best to feel it, realize it, to sit with it and let it go. Something was telling me that there was more to come.

And there was. On the 9th, Friday morning,

I received a friend request on Facebook from my brother. I said to myself, “It’s a scam. My brother is in prison for last two years and won’t be out anytime soon.” Sunday night,

I’m so unsettled and not myself at all.

I paused, relaxed, and decided to text my brother’s ex-girlfriend to clarify if it was a scam. I was completely taken aback when her message came up. “He’s out,” she said, “and he will call you tomorrow.” I couldn’t breathe or think. Life had a surprise in store for me, as it always does.

Once I heard the news, I spoke to Otty, and her calm voice and kind words of reassurance brought me to where I needed to be. I came back home. Now it makes more sense to me why I was talking about Granny’s home a few days ago. Now I’m back home in my thoughts and in my heart.

I know my self-worth, self-value, and I’m ready for the conversation that needs to happen. I slept well and woke up feeling fresh. I was ready for a new day.

I received a text from my brother, saying, “Hey!” I responded with, “Hey, how are you?” I explained that I was at work and could only talk later on. I parked that and got on with the day, which was nice and playful. I’m glad I can do that.

My superpowers are back. I couldn’t wait for the night.

Finally, I would be able to talk to him, after long time. I had imagined that so many times when I didn’t have access to him during his “holidays.”

He called, and he spoke. But I couldn’t talk. My voice wouldn’t come out! Every time I wanted to say something, my voice shook and disappeared. I wanted to tell him so much and at the same time didn’t want to talk at all. It was a mixture of emotions, feelings, and thoughts that are hard to explain and capture in words.

Finally, I spoke with a soft, kind, and loving voice, asking him how he was. He sounded confident and strong. It’s been so long since I felt that from him. He told me that he had taken care of himself during all this time and that he was happy with what he had achieved. He spoke about our lost home, and it touched a very raw spot in me.

I started crying, and that was the end of our talk. I felt like I had failed. That I lost that home. That I could do more!

I went back to that dark place in my heart where blame resides, where I blamed myself for not being able to protect our home and for not being able to guide my brother in a better direction. The weight of guilt and shame settled heavily on my shoulders.

But then I remembered what I had learned in therapy. I had worked so hard to rebuild my self-worth and to let go of those destructive patterns of self-blame. I reminded myself that I am only responsible for my own actions, not for the choices that others make. I couldn’t control my brother’s decisions or the circumstances that led to our lost home. All I could do was be there for him now and offer my love and support.

I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears. I spoke my brother about how I felt.

We talked, It was a bittersweet conversation, filled with both joy and pain.

In that moment, I realized just how much I had missed my brother. Despite all the challenges we had faced, we still had a bond that couldn’t be broken. I felt a sense of hope and renewal, knowing that we had the opportunity to rebuild our relationship and support each other moving forward.

As the conversation came to an end, we both promised to stay connected. We knew that it wouldn’t be an easy road to go on.

Reflecting on the past 24 hours, I realized that life is full of unexpected things. It can be messy and complicated, but it also holds moments of beauty and growth. I had experienced both extremes in such a short span of time, and it reminded me of the resilience within me.

I may have lost home house, my relationship, and faced challenges with my brother, but I hadn’t lost myself.

I had found the strength to rebuild and rediscover my worth. And now, with my brother back in my life, I had even more reason to continue on this journey of self-discovery and healing that come within.

Life will always throw curveballs our way, but it’s how we respond to them that truly defines us. I was determined to face each challenge with grace, compassion, and a deep understanding of my own worth.

In conclusion, my journey through life has been filled with unexpected twists and turns, my favorite words.

From the devastating loss of my childhood home to the heart-wrenching struggle to conceive, I have faced challenges that I never could have anticipated. But amidst the chaos, I have discovered a strength within myself, a resilience that has carried me through even the darkest moments.

When my brother was unexpectedly released from prison, it was a shock that I didn’t saw coming that way. But it was also a reminder of the unbreakable bond we share as siblings. Together, we have navigated the ups and downs of life, supporting each other through thick and thin. His release, taught me the power of forgiveness and the importance of embracing the unexpected with an open heart.

Through it all, I have learned that I am not defined by the circumstances that life throws at me. I am not responsible for the choices and actions of others. I can only control my own reactions and choices. This realization has allowed me to let go of self-blame and embrace a newfound sense of self-worth.

In the face of adversity, I have discovered the importance of embracing the present moment and finding hope even in the most challenging situations. Life may be unpredictable, but I am resilient. I have the strength within me to overcome any obstacle that comes my way.

As I continue on this journey, I will hold onto the lessons I have learned. I will cherish the bonds of love and support that sustain me, knowing that I have people around me that matters. And I will approach each unexpected moment as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery.

In the wise words of Albert Einstein, “In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” And I am ready to seize every opportunity that comes my way, knowing that I have the strength and resilience to overcome whatever challenges may arise.